Fear has been a topic of several of my posts, but I am coming back around to it this week. Because it has been gripping me skin deep. It’s all fine and dandy to say: “I’m going to publish a book!” It’s wonderful to see the finish line crawl closer.
But when you can stand there and SEE the finish line, the emotion turns into a “holy cow what the (insert explanative of your choice) am I doing? I can’t write a book. No one will like this. It’s crap, I can’t SHARE this!”
This is the land I am living in right now. Fear. I have been happily looking at the edits from my editor (I’m still a little giddy that I have an editor). But I realize that the novel is back in my hands. I am making those last few changes. The last person to look at this novel before publication will be me. What if I miss something? What if it still isn’t good enough? What if I should really be packing up my bags and hiding in a dark cave somewhere?
It’s quite possible this is my own personality quirk. Being afraid of reality. But reality is staring me in the face. Suddenly my confidence is gone.
Sharing with strangers isn’t the biggest fear right now. It’s sharing with people that know me. It’s sticking my neck out into the big wide world and screaming: “I wrote a book!” It’s the marketing. It’s the simple fact that I am saying this book is done.
If you have been reading my other blog posts you know I have been complaining for some time that I am done with this novel. Ready to ship her off into the world and focus my attention on something that hasn’t taken me over a decade to finish.
Like any mother it’s scary sending off your first-born. Is she ready to handle the scary world? Will she end up with the wrong crowd, drinking too much, doing drugs? I can’t protect her out there.
I can protect her on my laptop.
But I can’t share her this way. These next few weeks/months (no publication date set as of yet) will be a new learning curve for me. I will need to stare my fear in the face and rise above.
Until then I believe a trip to the store for something chocolaty is required. Any ideas what I should be baking?