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Why the Right Side Must Go

The right side of my body seems to have a case against me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. As far as I can tell I have not continuously favored, say, my left foot over my right. But nonetheless my right side feels less than worthy. So much so that it has begun sprouting medical conditions and dragging “lefty” along to numerous doctor appointments of growing specialties.

To date “righty” has procured five separate reasons why I must pay attention to this side of my body. “Lefty” has zero. According to the rules of most games “righty” wins in a landslide of five to zero. But this isn’t a game; this is my life. And the lengths that “righty” will go to is getting serious.

In the beginning it was simple. I was born with a hearing loss in both my ears, discovered at age five. Not much of a problem there, I adjusted well and have grown to be quite fond of my ears. Though one ear had to be better than the other, symmetry is not in my physiological vocabulary. Thus “lefty” started off a mere ten decibels ahead of “righty” in the normal speech ranges. Dog ranges, however, “righty” was queen. Until the ingenious idea was sprouted to operate on me, then eight, to improve hearing. Quite the opposite happened and now those dog high tones only appear in my head, though it did take several blows to the head to get to this point. Not to worry, “lefty” survived all casualties.

The next one is really simple; most people go through this at some point in their lifetime. Mine was at age sixteen when I realized that the chalkboard wasn’t getting any closer. So on top of my hearing aids I now needed glasses. But wait! There’s good news! It’s “lefty’s” turn to be unskilled at some endeavor. Alas no such luck, seeing as it is “righty” who controls what the left eye sees. Now we are up to “righty” two, “lefty” still zero.

By now “righty” was getting pretty upset by this whole uneven dilemma. Since there was no way to cure the hearing or the sight on it’s own there was only one logical conclusion left. Make more. That’s right; if you can’t match the good side, at least have a startling contrast to boast. And what better way than to take a tiny little cyst and rupture it? Well now “righty” had my attention, as well as the doctors in the E.R. who had to operate to fix “righty’s” little temper tantrum.

Three to zero, a fine score if one isn’t splitting their body down the middle to obtain such a number. I remember hoping that the cyst was on the left side, anything to even me out. Nope, no equilibrium meant for me. And yet, it gets worse.

On top of all the little ways “righty” has determined to shine, she had one secret project stashed away as long as the ear: the kidney. Playing around at a very early stage she squeezed two section of the urethra partially closed and watched with glee as the kidney grew and struggled to thrive. For nineteen years she planted her little seed, it took one infection, my second trip to the E.R., to bring her game to light. Now I was feeling the weight of the unbalance.

Many tests, and a major operation later, my right kidney is no longer blocked. However she is only functioning at 30%, meanwhile “lefty” has picked up the slack. “Righty” didn’t go down without a fight, she kept the doctor’s in the dark as to what the real damage was to the kidney, playing so many games along the way that I was begging the doctor to remove the kidney. Alas I still have two.

After the kidney debacle I thought the playing field would be level. The score was set “righty” four, “lefty” zero. But “righty” wasn’t quite done. Not yet. In an act of pure clumsy foolishness I opened a door on my foot. My right foot. And created a hairline fracture between my toes. “Righty” is up to five.

Now there is a very strong possibility that I am insane and that the right side of me really isn’t out to get me. Yet I am a little concerned. “Righty” had done far too much damage with her kidney toy. And she’s proven with the toes that she’s not done. There are only so many other organs I have, and some I would prefer to keep in the quantity of two. Perhaps I need to start talking to “lefty”, the healthy side, and have her beat a thing or two into “righty”. Yes, that is exactly what I’ll do. Hopefully there won’t be too many bruises on the wrong side in the morning.

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